


Big Yellow Joint

by ellerkay



Category: Arrested Development, Weeds
Genre: Crossover, Drug Use, Gen, M/M, Marijuana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:16:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4484303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellerkay/pseuds/ellerkay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael really shouldn’t ask Gob for favors, and Andy should pack more snacks.</p><p>Challenge from <span class="ljuser i-ljuser i-ljuser-type-P"></span><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://bleemoo.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://bleemoo.livejournal.com/"></a><b>bleemoo</b>: Gob Bluth and Andy Botwin - feel free to use this line as dialogue, general inspiration, or not at all: "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order it was received."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Big Yellow Joint

**Author's Note:**

> Done _Arrested Development_ style, by which I mean italics=narration and there are a couple flashbacks.

Gob stood in the Bluth frozen banana stand, looking despondent. He picked a piece of lint off his uniform.

_Gob Bluth was not a happy camper. A few weeks ago, he had needed money from his brother Michael. In return, he had made a foolish promise._

*Flashback*

“Okay,” Michael says. “I can give you the money. But you’re going to owe me a _big favor_. Which I can call in anytime.”

“Yeah, sure, Michael, I’ll do whatever you want,” Gob says breezily, already halfway out the door.

*End flashback*

_Gob had a very private hope as to what sort of favor Michael would ask for. As such, he’d been extremely disappointed when Michael had told him he needed him and then finished the sentence with the words, “to run the banana stand over the weekend while I take George Michael on a trip.”_

“Stupid George Michael,” Gob muttered. He glared at some teenage boys who were passing the banana stand with interested looks. They hurried on without buying anything when they saw his expression.

“Why am I even here?” Gob demanded of Franklin, who he’d brought along for company. “This place is _dead_.”

***

_Meanwhile, Andy Botwin was having a remarkably good day. He had traveled to Orange County to move some of Nancy’s pot on the boardwalk, and it was selling even better than he’d expected. The day got more and more pleasant as he continually smoked joints. It was, he figured, basically his commission. He was doing Nancy a favor. But he did have one problem._

“I’m starving,” Andy said. He looked around the boardwalk, gaze sliding over hot dog and ice cream vendors. Nothing sounded quite right. And then, he saw it. Like a ray of pure sunlight. And it even looked kind of like…

Andy put out the end of his joint and walked towards the banana stand.

***

_Several minutes later, Andy was having some difficulty formulating his order._

Mouth open, Andy stared intently at the menu, which was about a dozen words long. Gob watched him, feeling a little nervous. Andy was three feet from the banana stand, and he hadn’t moved in the five minutes he’d been examining the menu.

“Can I help you?” Gob asked sarcastically.

_Andy, failing to recognize this as a sarcastic remark from someone apparently in the food service industry, snapped to attention._

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I’ll have a double-dipped banana with everything on it.”

_Andy suddenly became worried that such a banana could not be supported by the tensile strength of only one stick._

“And hey, you’d better put two sticks in it.”

“Get the man a GOB!” Gob said, angling his head back. Andy peered behind him. There was no one there, but Gob was just standing and smirking at him, rather than getting him the banana Andy was starting to feel he absolutely required if he was going to keep on living.

_It was Andy’s turn to start feeling nervous. It occurred to him that perhaps this banana stand man was questioning his lifestyle choices._

“Listen, I _have_ a job,” he said. “I mean – it’s not a very official one, and I don’t get paid, but I have a house, and a family –”

“No, not a job, a GOB. It’s the name of the banana you ordered.”

“It doesn’t say that on the menu.”

“Yeah, well,” Gob snorted. “That’s because Michael wouldn’t know a good marketing ploy if it came up and bit him on the ass.” He frowned. “Except for Mr. Bananagrabber. I really shouldn’t have given up animation rights.”

_Andy had no idea what was going on._

“So listen, uh,” He checked Gob’s nametag. “Gob-”

“No, it’s pronounced ‘Gob.’”

Andy blinked. “Gob?”

“Yeah.”

_Andy needed to think about this for a moment._

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he concluded.

“It’s my initials.”

“Oh.”

_This didn’t make much more sense to Andy, but he decided to let it drop._

“So, about my banana-”

“The GOB?”

“Yeah, the GOB. Can I…have it?”

“Listen,” Gob said, “I don’t know where anything is in here. I’m just watching this stand over the weekend as a favor to my brother. I’m really a magician.” He gestured dramatically, but nothing happened. He looked at his wrists in disappointment. “Dammit,” he muttered. “Well, try to visualize what it would’ve looked like if fireballs had shot out of my sleeves just now.”

_Andy tried, and it was impressive. But he was beginning to get desperate._

“Yeah, man, that’s [bleep]ing cool, but the thing is, I really, _really_ need this frozen banana,” he said.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Gob replied.

_Andy considered the problem._

“Well, that stand isn’t very big,” he said finally. “What if I come in there and try to find the ingredients myself?”

Gob shrugged. “Knock yourself out.” He opened the door on the side of the banana stand and Andy entered.

_Spurred by his hunger and determination to have a Bluth banana, Andy had found everything and had the chocolate melting within five minutes. His goal nearing completion and no longer requiring his immediate focus, he caught sight of Franklin._

“Hey, who’s your friend?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s just Franklin,” Gob said, smiling in a slightly embarrassed way. He picked up the puppet and put his hand up his back. “‘Damn, Gob, this boy is pretty as a girl! You should [bleep] him like a [bleep]!’” Hastily, Gob put him down. “Sorry,” he said. “He’s just like that.”

“No problem, man,” Andy said easily. “I’m Andy, by the way.” He put out his hand and they shook.

_Andy was starting to feel a certain kinship with Gob._

Andy leaned in close. “So do you – you know –” He made the international sign for smoking marijuana.

_You know the one._

Gob snorted. “Of course,” he said.

“Did you ever do it in here?”

“Sure, dozens of times. I snuck in every weekend when I was in high school. Usually with a girl.” Andy grinned, and Gob appeared to be caught in a reverie. “God, it’s been so long since I smoked in here. Three weeks, at least.”

_Two minutes later, Andy and Gob had discovered that although it was hot and dark in the banana stand with the security grate closed over the window, it was well worth the discomfort._

“This is good [bleep]!” Gob gasped as he sucked in hard on the joint Andy had rolled.

“I know, man,” Andy said. “I get primo bud. My sister-in-law’s a dealer.”

“Is she the one you work for?” Gob passed the joint over and Andy took a deep hit.

“Yeah,” he said, voice thick from the smoke. “She can be a real pain in ass, but, you know – family.”

“Family,” Gob agreed glumly. He accepted the joint back and held it for a moment. “My family thinks I’m a fuckup.”

“Ahh, mine too.”

“They don’t appreciate me.”

“I hear that.”

Gob smiled at Andy. “You’re a pretty good listener, you know that?” There was a soft ‘ding’ and Andy jumped up.

“Chocolate’s done!” he said. “About time, I’ve been dying. You want a GOB, Gob?”

“Yeah,” Gob said. A minute later he was chewing on a frozen banana, and a moment after that, Andy had rejoined him on the floor, eating a banana of his own. He looked at Gob’s banana, then at his own, and giggled.

“There are some really good dick jokes we could be making right now,” he said.

Gob laughed. “This stand has seen a lot of [bleep],” he said. “This one girl wanted me to dip my dick in the chocolate.”

“You’re kidding! That sounds hot,” Andy said.

“It was,” Gob said solemnly.

*Flashback*

It’s almost pitch black and only vague shapes can be seen. Gob yells, “It burns, it burns!” A girl gives a panicked scream.

*End flashback*

“Hey, do you think a pizza place will deliver to this banana?”

_Andy was still hungry._

“Sure,” Gob said. “I’ve got one on speed dial.”

_Attempting to impress his new friend, Gob smugly pressed a button on his cell phone without looking. Unfortunately, instead of calling the pizza place, he called the Bluth Company. Due to budget cuts, there was no one to answer the phones anymore. Only calls to a direct line would get through, and the general line played a message that would eventually dissuade anyone with half a brain._

_Twenty minutes later…_

“Come ON!” Gob yelled in frustration. For what had to be at least the hundredth time, Kitty’s voice said, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and it will be answered in the order it was received.”

“This has got to be the worst pizza place ever!” Gob fumed.

“Why don’t you try hanging up and calling again? Maybe something got, you know, [bleep]ed up with your call.”

“No, I’ll lose my place in the line!”

“Call a different pizza place.”

“But then we’ll have to go through all of this again!”

“I’m hungry!”

“I’m _trying_ to get us food! Why don’t you put your mouth around another GOB banana?”

Andy blinked. “People are going to read way too much into this,” he said.


End file.
